SOMETIMES, LOVE ISN’T ENOUGH (WHY WE CAN’T ALWAYS SAVE THE ONES WE LOVE).

Hi, I’m  Paula Aliu representing Cogno-Aid, one of the 25 Nigerian Fellows of The #Insiders4Good program. Cogno-Aid is a start-up that aims to connect People to licensed Therapist from the comfort of wherever they might be. To get more info on Cogno-Aid here is our website : http://cogno-aidcdm.azurewebsites.net/

Here are some thoughts I would love to share with the community.

As humans, we tend to place our loved ones on a pedestal. Sometimes losing sight of their true standing in life alongside their ever-present daily struggles. We might fail to see issues that affect them. On another hand, we might see it but we are ill- equipped to offer help or sadly, our core belief that they are okay or happy in our love blinds us from their pain.

Everyone experiences issues and will continue to experience issues for the rest of their natural born life and what is more depressing and simultaneously one of life’s truths is our loved one’s cannot help us every time. This inability to help isn’t brought on from lack of trying, but from that existing love which is so strong it literally binds us from seeing the hurt and pain in our beloved. TALK ABOUT LOVE BEING BLIND.

Raise your hand if a loved one has ever responded to a statement made by you alluding to depression in any of the following statements or something similar

1. “You are well in Jesus name.”

2. “Don’t say such, do you know what it means to be depressed?”

3. “What problems do you think you have that you are depressed?”

Chances are, we might at some point in time heard a variation of the above statements. Our first thought might be to believe they don’t care or understand and that argument is partly true. No, they do care; they love you so implicitly they care. Yes, they do not understand because they love you. And no, It’s not a typographical error on my part, their love blinds them from understanding that a loved one could be depressed. They might reconcile in their minds that their love for you, the care and things they have given you should be enough, but sadly the law of economics manifests in our lives; Humans are insatiable, and in this case, we need more than their love, care and other things they give us.

SUICIDE, we know the word. And No, it’s not only a Non-African or Non-Nigerian thing, it happens in Nigeria, in Africa. A typical response to someone who did this is;

1. “ He / She committed the sin of Judas.’’

2. “ He / She is going to hell.” Or one I hear more often:

3. “ He / She is stupid, how will you go and kill yourself, ODE!”

All these statements are placed on someone who ceases to exist because of a collection of factors came together beyond their control to distort their perception of life, block out or distort the love the get from their loved ones and make them logically in their minds believe that despite the loved ones, despite all things they hold dear in life, Everyone and Everything is better off without them existing.

They leave behind these comments and their loved ones that rack their brains, blame themselves, sometimes kill themselves slowly and have People kill them too all the while trying to answer the questions:
“Where did I go wrong?”
“Wasn’t my love enough?”
“How couldn’t I see the signs.”

To commenters, why don’t we stop the comments that bury not only the dead but also their loved ones. We might not be able to save the dead but we can save their loved ones by helping them reconcile and seek explanations. We can save others by learning from the factors that played a role in the death of said person and spotting it in others and who knows ourselves. We can show a little more compassion.

To loved ones, sometimes you might not have gone wrong somewhere or were blind to the signs, sometimes life reveals itself after the fact. Your love being enough isn’t the issue, reconciling and working with the fact that no matter how much love we have for another we will never be able to know what they think or feel every time is.

Finally, to Loved ones and people who have gone through or are going through issues that seems to defeat the love you have amongst yourself, sometimes a third party can give extra thing that makes love enough. Sometimes seeking a third party to help you move forward or prevent a tragedy can provide some form of answer after the fact or can permit love to be enough.

We must never grow accustomed to thinking our loved ones are okay no matter the outward appearance shown. After all, we tend to pretend we are okay to the ones we care about the most so they probably will return the favor too.

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